Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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