just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
