someone threw a dead crab at me
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
