my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
