We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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