Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
