I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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