a queef is a wish your heart makes.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
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