Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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