im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
