so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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