Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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