At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
