She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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