What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
