Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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