I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
