we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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