Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
