okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
