and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
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Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
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We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
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