I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Randomize
