we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
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