: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Randomize
