My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
