Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
