i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You may now shotgun with the bride
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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