I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
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I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
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He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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