No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We need a shit load of segways right now
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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