Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
