I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
