I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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