So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
