My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
