I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
