i was born a porn star she said
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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