this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
