May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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