Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize