i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
