dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
