we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
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he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
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I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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