When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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