He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize