I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
