9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
His nipple licking is glorious
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