just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
