Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
