you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
