Need sex. Gaining weight.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
