the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
