worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
