Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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