i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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