I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Randomize
