Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
organizing the empties. That sober.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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