Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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