if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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