can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
