Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
