captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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