Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
