need another drink. this is the easiest way
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
